Romance

Now I'm going to blog about a romantic evening. I said in my first post that blogging in itself might be a challenging experience to me, but it's nothing compared to this. I consider myself a pretty honest guy, and I'm not all that unfamiliar with speaking my mind - but telling a tale of romance, that i was actually part of from a womans point of view, might give myself a lot of... Well... Disturbing feelings. So bare with me.

I was cleaning one of the windows and reading over some of the comments in my blog. I'm really happy for the responses I've got. A lot of people have talked about my blog lately.

Then my boyfriend suddently send me a teleport request without warning. He's a lot about spontanous romance, which is great. I saw the teleport request a little late though, and when i finally arrived he had gone because of a disconnect. I could'nt help but feel a little in awe about the location. There was a piano, a beautiful little pond, and lots of tree's. It was truly romantic, especially with the chirping sounds of the birds, and the sound of running water.

While i waited for him to come back online anticipating his next move, a guy walked up to me in the middle of the woods. He had some pretty cool hair, a nice silver necklace, and had a really buff upper body. While i don't get turned on by any male qualities, he still looked intimidating and interesting. He started a conversation about the place here, and told me how much he liked it. I asked him if he'd ever been to SVARGA, and gave him the landmark. Of course i knew what he was up to. I don't think there's any girls in Second Life that knows more about men than i do.

So he asked me if i wanted to show him the place. He was'nt that bad, and i seriously considered it. But the situation was just a bit awkward, so i had to drop the bomb. "I'm sorry, I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He wanted to show me this place". Then he wrote something back to me that still fascinates me, and makes me wonder. Not that it's all that unusual, almost every guy do it way too much. He wrote "I'm sorry". What's there to be sorry for really?

Anyway, i wrote "Aww, it's okay, I'd like to show it to you sometime though. You have to see it sweetie. This place is nothing compared to SVARGA :)" - i felt like i did'nt want to push him all the way out of the dark. I could sence that being rejected in that way was actually a bit of a putdown on him, wich is typical. I know from my own experience that a lot of guys take a lot of courage to strike up the simplest of conversations. Every time we do it, we run a legimate risk of rejection.

It still baffles me though. Why don't they just look for friendship instead?

Anyway, he said bye a lot of times - i almost felt embarrased standing there saying "see you hun!" like 3 times in a rough. As soon as he had teleported away, my 'date' showed up. He looked the same as always. And now I'm going to let you into a little secret.

I do have feelings for him. Absurd, is'nt it? Yeah, it's damn fucking absurd, and i only just found out today. But i think he's cute (That sentence made me feel so fucking uncormfortable, that i had to roar in real life to balance out the testestorone). He said he had to go back to work pretty soon, but that he wanted to kiss me. Really sweet of him, he does that sometimes, out of the blue. So we found a set of poseballs, and sat on them. The thing about my boyfriend that i find so 'cute' (Yuck, i fucking KNOW), is that he's pretty slow sometimes. :) He can take ages performing the simplest tasks, like clicking the poseball. So i right clicked the red one, and stood there kissing the blue air - while he was fumbling around with his camera controls as usual. :P

He finally got on it though, and then another ladylike thing happened that is related to that 'cute' thing. He was standing a bit absurd, while i did'nt see it at that point. I was hanging with my arms around his neck, with one of my feet lifted from the ground, really elegantly, leaning towards him. He - on the other hand - were standing with his knees bend as though he was sitting in an armchair. His hands was'nt really holding me, they were more like pointing directly forward, bending nowhere near my back. It looked like he was carrying a huge sack of flour, and his posture reminded me so much of a gorilla that i began to laugh in real life.

Then there was this quiet silence, which is also 'cute' (I'm going to kill myself), because of the way i imagine him in real life. I imagined him looking at his screen in patience, and then slowly, in his almost turtle-like way realize that his posture was the stupidest ever. And then he finally wrote "there's a lot of air between us". Like, totally stating the obvious. I nearly died laughing.

So we kissed, and then all of the sudden he stopped the moment in an instance. He said "I just wanted to kiss you, i need to go back to work". With work, he means camping ;) And you know what that idiot wrote afterwards? :P "I took your camping spot!". I'm seriously beginning to understand why women always swatter after me, when i crack a really evil joke, or do something selfish. I actually felt like hitting him in a good way, and give him that famous "look of death" that all women master so well.

So he teleported away, and once again i stood in this beautiful area looking at the moon shining through the treeleafs, thinking about the experience. How weird everything has become, and especially how much I've been able to feel lately.

The thing is, everytime it happens - that i feel something that i call "girlish", like this experience of romance.... I have to review everything. While this experiment is really interesting to me, i don't want it to go out of control. And i still want it to be fun. But there has to be a limit you know?

And i can't help but wonder... How much can i actually experience? I will probably never menstruate (Hopefully... Shit... That's scary), but will i ever feel the need to create drama? Will i start testing the guys that wants to date me? Will i generally become more like i woman? Will the estrogen in my body build up so high, that I can't even swat a spider in my livingroom?

So far I've managed to keep my feet on the ground. At least i think so.

Why, oh why?

So, i had a reader that wanted to meet me in SL. She thought it would be funny to see what a guy would make out of a girlavatar. I bet she's imagining this Pamela Anderson like statue, wearing a seethrough bikini instead of a formal gown. :)

I've been experimenting a lot with my female avatar. Not with seethrough swimsuits, although that topic was pretty interesting in the beginning, but concerning how i was going to relate with people socially. When guys see me coming along in my high heels and chick outfit (I even sport a Gucci bag. Looks great with Sexy Walk animation), they don't even bother asking wether I'm a male or female in real life. They just assume that I'm indeed a female.

In the beginning that was no issue, after all, I just wanted to have fun. So fooling people was my intention. I wanted people to know that i was a woman in real life. So i developed my image and fake personality with that purpose in mind. I ran around corners with a lot of people, some relationships evolved to become more serious than others. I finally came to the point where I'm really good friends with a lot of people in SL, and i even have a virtual boyfriend.

Noone knows that I'm not a girl in real life. So far, I've had three choices in that matter. I could create a fake RL image to go with my fake virtual image. Make up this long story about how i graduated from a girls school, i lived near my parents, and i looked like this and this. I could also come clean of it all, and tell everyone the truth. But that would kind of destroy the experience entirely, would'nt it? If people knew that i was a guy because i told them so in my profile, they would percieve me like a guy, and expect me to behave like a guy. That was not the point of it all, i did'nt want that.

As you can probably guess, relationships evolved and genuine interest in all the people in our social circle stuck it's head out from the bushes. I was in a huge dilemma. Should i make up my own lifestory from scratch, and suffer even more than i did already in terms of my conscience? And do all the work of creating an image, that i could never be true to in real life? Or should i come to terms, and tell them the truth outright?

I could do none of those things, so i chose to get rid of my real life entirely. I ridded myself of all the friends that wanted to know me personally, and stopped talking about myself. If people asked where i lived, i told them that i lived in that and that apartment in SL. If they asked me what i liked i men, i said "Oh, i don't know". If you see a darkhaired girl somewhere that tends to avoid any personal questions, you can therefore assume that it's me (Or any other girl in SL :P It's not fun to talk about personal stuff)

You get the idea don't you? I stopped lying, but i did'nt tell the truth either - and i don't want anyone around me to know the truth. That would destroy the whole experience.

So if you'd like to meet me in SL, then I'd really like to meet you as well. I just can't for the time being.

What happened today? Well, I've been really short on Lindens lately, but i was lucky to find a really great camping spot, so i earned a lot of money pretty fast. Not that I'm going to use it right now, since I've been experimenting a bit with clothes. If you've never tried to make clothing in SL before, like me, you may have wondered why prim bra's are so rare. I wanted a primbra, because i had a hard time fitting tattoos, jewelry, a necklace, and at the same time still wear something on my upper body. Yup, you've guessed it - I'm addicted to that stuff. The problem was though, that when i put jewelry on my stomach, attached a piercing, wore a necklace, and wanted a tattoo on my back, i could'nt cover my parts.

So what did i do? First i created a prim - the kind that looks like half a sphere - made it hollow, and experimented with the shape. I finally got it just right, and tried to fit it - but it was nearly impossible. Attaching it to the Pec did'nt work out right. You could see the breast when my avatar was breathing. I worked fine on the chest though, but i could only attach one item. After er lot of tweaking i got it just right with two small shells covering each breast, but then i got to the string going around the back wich was the real challenge. I tried using cylinders, but i had to give up after a long time. Everytime i clicked to reajust one cylinder, i ran the risk of my avatar moving out of the pose, so i had nothing to model on. It was a pain, but at least the cups looks alright.

Maybe i should just make a texture consisting of a white color with a black text: "SUPERGLUE" written on it, and then hope for people to accept it. Although I'm a guy, and don't know much about bra's (Except how to unhook them), I've got my doubts wether superglue'd pieces could actually support anything. :P

So i gave up, and went back to camping for the moment. I'm at 600L ! Yay, i think I'm going to spend it on a new skin. I'm growing tired of this shiny red lipstick, and the weird eyeshadow. But then again, i might spend it on hair.

As far as these womanly experiences that I'm so unaccostumed to, nothing has really happend today, other than me playing dress-up. By the way, anyone knows some valueable information about making your own prim hair? I need to look that suff up.

I've got some stuff that still needs to be done, and i think I'm going to write about that next. There's a lot about being a woman that i hven't experienced and still want to, number 1, is that real friendship and strong bonds some women have together. You probably remember that kind of couple from high school, the two girls that always clings together and are untieable. I want to try that, and find out why the hell these close friendships are so compelling to women.

Whatever, i guess I'm going to find a really good friend sometime.

Second Life is being updated

So right now Second Life is being updated. I actually had an appointment with a 'friend' in there, but i guess it was a no-go. I could'nt connect. :(

Yesterday i told you i went right into a shopping spree trying to establish myself as a woman in SL. Well... That's not excactly how it went. I remember, when i found out i had no nipples, i wanted to do something about that. I wanted to see what was possible in an 'entirely' professional way. So i went to a stripclub, wich was my very first action as a girl.

I got in there, and looked at all the bodies. And this is where the interesting stuff began. Being inside my female avatar, i did'nt feel the slightest bit excited in real life! I probably would'nt either way, since computergraphics is'nt a turn-on for me, but seriously though. Nothing at all.

I saw skins that was wet, darkish, light, and generally pretty well made. There was definetly nipples, and i loved it. But all of them had this weird rock-like face that i did'nt particularly enjoy, they did'nt smile, and their eyes were barily moving. If i were to take a snapshot at that moment, it would be a pretty decent picture of the half-naked girls, and really realistic.

I saw how they moved when they walked, and the way they danced. And their hair! Wow, there was a lot of things to be done. I was scribbling down all the details on my mental notepad, when i got an IM from a guy standing directly behind me. He asked if i wanted to dance. I said sure, and we went right on it after he had taught me how to use the poseballs.

That was where the first realization came. If i had been a guy avatar, i would feel terrible asking questions, but as a girl it's really no problem. I figured that was a major advantage, since i was a blonde i was pretty much expected to ask questions and not 'get' what was going on. So i deliberetly made myself a couple of IQ's dumber than i am in real life, just to enjoy getting helped with a lot of stuff that i already knew by this guy.

He taught me how the dance-machine worked, what the raffle-ball was all about, and how to reduce lag. I already knew that, but i considered it a part of my 'education'. After we danced for a while, i saw a male dancing alone on another poseball... Naked. Being a fellow with a great understanding of culture (I've seen a lot of movies about the topic) i thought it would be great to dance with him, and see the reaction, so i promptly stood up, walked over, and started rubbing my newbie pixels against the other avatar. Yes, i realize it was a little careless of me. Just walking away from the guy that had taught me so much, and was clearly having a great time talking to me - but after all, it's just a game. Is'nt it? right?

I could'nt help but laugh in real life, while watching the poseballs do their job. The animation did'nt work that great, but I wanted to see what he had to say about some girl getting hot and naughty with him in spite of my amusement. So i finished my cup of coffee while looking at the action. Then all of a sudden, he promptly stood up and walked away leaving me frozen in animation. Bah. Then i realized that i had gotten an IM from the guy i danced with a while back, and here's what he wrote: "What are you doing?!?!?", "Hello???", "I see why you'd rather dance with him!". I nearly wetted my pants, and was about to tell him what a fucking wuss he was - but then i realized that i was a girl. What would a girl do in this situation?

So i thought carefully about it, and wrote: "Awwww sweetie. I'm sorry, i had no idea you took it so seriously. Are you alright?". I regret ever saying that. He answered after a couple of minutes "It's okay, i guess that's just how it's meant to be". Then we made up, and i added him to my friends list. He's been bugging me ever since, and so has many other guys.

But that short sequence made me think. I've been rude to girls a lot of times, but none of them had reacted in any way like this wuss. What a loser. I mean, it's not even real life! I wondered if there's a lot of guys like him out there, and it pretty much turned out there is. I have no idea how you girls in real life handle guys like this - it's so confusing to me. I had to feel sorry for them, while i did'nt really care. I almost WANT to hurt them in some way, just to make them understand how foolish they really are. And almost all of them clings. Seriously, everytime i log on this guy tries to IM me and ask where i am, and what I'm doing. If i don't answer, he'll be all like "Are you okay honey?", and act like we're in a relationship or something like that. He's seriously creeping me out!

Of course, i had to tell my real life girlfriend about it. I knew she would have a great solution for it, and tell me how to deal with these underdeveloped males, and just make them go away so i don't have to carry around all their problems. Right? I mean, she should have some kind of problem-solver up her sleeve? Nope. When i told her, she nearly died from laughter and enjoyment. "Welcome to a girls life!" she said. Looks like girls have to deal with these guys on a regular basis. Yikes. Looking back, i realize that a lot of the guys were great friends you know. They helped me a lot, but i wish it could have stayed that way. Just friends. But none of them gets it. They were really creeping me out with what they said, and it has become harder and harder to be nice to them. So now i just ignore them every time i get this vibe. I know, i feel a little bad about doing so - but what is a girl to do?

The strip-club had a huge variety of freebies, and i gathered it all and tried it on. They made me look like a whore. I had to find some better clothes. And that's where the shopping spree began, and that's where i stumbled across slnatalia.blogspot.com - I've been a regular reader since.

I just realized that i promised a reader to elaborate on why I'll be anonomyous, but i forgot everything about it. It'll come up in my next post, promise. :)

I'll probably write tomorrow i think. I have to go to work in 2 hours, so.

Stud in heels? What the f****?

Let me start out by saying welcome to my blog. This is something of an achievement, I'm not really used to blogging. I'm a guy that shifts interests pretty quickly which basically means - one day i can be interested in one subject, and the next day it will be another.

And that brings me to the point. You're probably wondering why i would pick this name for a blog, stud in heels? Sounds gay, does'nt it? Yeah, i thought so. But i had to choose something.

Among my many interests in life, only one interest has prevailed. And let me make this very clear to all of you. Women. I'm a heterosexual, i don't walk down the street wearing red high heels and make-up. Oh wait - actually i do, but not in real life, and i never would.

To make a long story short, i one day stumbled across the world of Second Life. In case you don't know it, go to www.secondlife.com and read some details. It's a virtual world where you have the oppertunity to create a second life, customize your avatar, shop, build, script. Everything in Second Life is made by the residents. Sounds interesting huh? That's what i thought. So I quickly created an account and logged in. And from the first glance, i was pretty much sold for the time being.

I walked around the virtual world, and was stunned at the amount of realism, as I'm sure you will be. In Second Life, people take everything very seriously, and that's what attracted me. But after some time, it became a bit boring. I had been around the shops, visited a few places, met some people - but all in all it was just another chat. Being a guy that's well-traveled on the Internet in my everlasting search for (Sorry chicks, in lack of better words) girl-action - I've already tried a lot of virtual worlds including IMVU. And it was not all that different to me.

But in customizing my character, i saw a tab called "Male/Female". You could choose your gender again, even after subscribing. I'm a very healthy and mature person - always interested in new things, so i thought to myself "I wonder what boobs look like in this game", and i changed the gender. I was throughouly disappointed by what was underneath my clothes. No damn nipples. Well, what the hell - i was about to click the X when someone wrote "Hey pretty, where are you from?".

I thought about it for a couple of seconds, and then a weird thought came to me. I glanced at the top of my window to see where i was, and promptly said "Blanda". We talked for a while, when suddently he logged out. I sat and waited in anticipation for a moment, then went out to the kitchen to fetch a cup of coffee. I had a brilliant idea. What if i could actually fool these guys into thinking that I'm a girl? And what would it feel like to be a woman, just for a couple of days? And come on guys, i KNOW you've all looked in the mirror at some point in your life and thought to yourself "If i could become a girl for just one day, i want to do X". It's just the way us humans are build, we're curious. And so am i.

As a person, i would'nt consider myself a womanizer or player, but I've definetly been around. In all honesty, and I'm sorry for saying this, I've probably hurt a lot of girls out there in my (Sometimes) selfish ways, so why not turn the tables? I wanted to try and feel what it was like to have romance in my life. I wanted to drink champagne on top of the eiffel tower, and glance deeply in my lovers eyes, while he holded me thigh. To explore all my deep feelings and learn from it.

Nope, I'm bullshitting you. I did'nt want to get a closer look at all of this female crap. I could care less about what it was like to be a woman, i just wanted to toy with people and have a little fun on their expense. That was all i thought about, sooooo... *sigh* i started shopping for clothes. After all, i looked like an idiot, and i had already seen some of the other girls in the game. They looked really great, and i at least had to compete with them to get attention. That's when I looked at my in real life girlfriend (Who has a rather great taste in fashion) and went to all the freebie stores possible to claim some sets of great clothes. I got new skins, i camped to buy hair, i went to clubs to meet guys, i even started dating - and guess what? There's a lot more than that.

In the beginning it was a lot like "How the fuck am i going to fake romance? Crap... Where can i read about this stuff?", or "Can chicks score chicks? Hmmmm", and "Why the hell can't i find any WHOLE sets of clothes? How can they fucking expect that I'm able to put these things together and make it look right?". But then i suddently began to get it. I was evolving as a human being, and i kid you not this time, i was really beginning to 'understand' how women think.

I've developed a whole personality to my virtual avatar, and in the process I've learned a lot. Women have a fucking hard time in a lot of things - of course, there's lots of things that's easier too - but damn. It's tough to be a girl.

That's what this blog is going to be about. Experiencing the feminine side of the male alter ego, outlining differences, and mostly some thoughts on the biggest realizations I've had so far on my journey. So now we got all that cleared up. Come back tomorrow.