A question, and some information.

Question: would it have been better or worse if you had picked a good virtual lover?

It's a good question. I never really anticipated it though.

My answer is: Never.

At least i don't think so. Is there such a thing as a good lover? All i know, is that the experiement i did pretty much scared me away from sex.

It's the same thing with RL girls i believe, wich freaks me out a bit. If your first experience is bad, you obviously do not want to have sex again in the future.

One thing is for certain, I feel that as a woman, men REALLY have to do some good convincing to get me to cyber. I won't just jump in the sack with anyone.

And that is pretty much all that matters.

I will begin blogging again, don't worry. I'm going through a tough time at the moment - and as soon as my RL is sorted out, i will be back in the red shoes.

Take care in the meantime, everyone!

Sex!

Yup, i promised you girls that i would write about sex. However, i haven't been able to write anything out as of yet, because i simply did'nt know what to tell you about.

Obviously I've had some experience with sex in Second Life. You all know what the first thing guys would like to explore if given the chance, and it's no secret, I'm just as curious as the next.

However, i soon came to the point where i became somewhat addicted to my avatar in the sence that i respected her. Everyone knows that you come to identify a lot with your avatar. I, for one, did'nt. Until i actually decided to cross the boundary. See - i had'nt really considered having sex using poseballs. I found the thought appalling in a way, that i haven't told you yet. I'm going to tell you that later.

But for the sake of experimentation i decided that i had to cross that boundary. I accidently bumped into a hardcore sexshop, as i was looking for animations, and i saw some of the poseballs do their work up front. At first it was'nt so bad, but i found it pretty tiresome in the long run - especially since i did'nt have a partner to enjoy the animations with.

"So.... I'm a girl now. How hard can it be to find a guy that wants sex?" was my first thought on the subject, and naturally, i started searching. First thing up, i found a nudist beach, and decided to give it a go. I dropped in, dropped my clothes as well, and wandered around with my sexy walk amongst the excessive amount of testosterone at the teleport-area. Needless to say, i had someone hit on me pretty fast.

Oh wait, did i say hit on me? Absolutely not. He asked me, and I'll quote: "U wanna fuck". That was the most repulsive inquire I've ever heard as a lady, nevertheless, i figured the other guys were away - and i had already promised myself that i would try this thing out. Truth be told, i don't even know what would be worst at that point. Having sex with a man, from a womans point of view - or going through pretences for romance that i found equally disturbing.

But we located a nice house nearby with a hell lot of poseballs, and we more or less started working on them. I'm going to spare you the intimate details, mostly. First, i gave him some mouth-to-crotch (Cough), and he gave me compliments on my delicious behind. I said that i wanted to suck is fucking cock like a lollipop, while humming the national anthem. I had a hard time taking it seriously, since the animations at best, were horrible. Oh yeah, and then the thought suddently hit me.... Pure instinct led my cursor to the X on top of the Second Life viewer, wielding a trail of fire behind it, like Dr. Phil in Ozzy Osbournes daycare.

He was'nt typing. He was jacking off. While looking at MY GIRL.

I stopped for a moment, then realized that it was just pixels. I was still angry, and felt really dirty. The bad kind of dirty. But I was stubborn as always, determined to let this guy rock his nuts off, and make him blow his load like a good girl. Like my girl would. Mine. I opened up a First Life bottle of Jack Daniels, and poured a glass before starting 'roleplaying'.

I'm going to jump to conclusions, no more details. I forgot most of them anyways. It took ages, poseball after poseball. We even had to walk into the house, and try at least hundreds of positions in the sexbed before he was finished. And how did i find out he was done? He logged off, after a lot of silence.

I was left behind feeling that it was a huge waste of time. And rightly so, if i can say so myself. At that point, though i did'nt fully realize it, i was already on my way to becoming a woman. I felt disgraced by everything, and i could'nt even concentrate on the visual pleasure. I felt like he was ruining everything. I don't quite know how to describe it, but he was'nt interested in ME. I wanted to have him compliment my clothes, it took me like 10 fucking seconds to shape my avatars ass, but the hours after hours i put into the clothes, that i honestly thought looked really nice on my virtual girl, was the real effort. If you can't see the connection in this virtual scenario to a real life situation, you don't have enough experience with girls to read my blog anyway. I'm going to leave you to interpret what i found out, and the realization i came to.

But to make everything a little more vivid and explanatory, I'll knock it down a notch, and analyse myself and my own behavior looking in the rear mirror. BOTTOMLINE: I created this girl. I made her look, excactly what i wanted her to look like. Her personality, is the personality of the girl from my dreams. Her taste, her feelings, her behavior - everything is like i WANT IT TO BE. Now, would i want a girlfriend, the partner of my dreams, the ultimate lover, to be promiscuous? .... Hell..... no. And that's how i identify with her on some level - she's me.

Let me tell you a short story about some scientists resarch, i once read about in a magazine - and I'll let the rest of the thinking up to you. Basically, the scientists wanted to see what genes would do in terms of the ideal partner a person would choose. So what they did, was that they showed the subjects of the experiment 10 pictures of different people of the opposite sex. But one of these people's pictures were manipulated using a computer, morphing characteristics of the subjects FACE on to the picture. Which means, that one of the pictures among the ten, were essentially themself. Only of the opposite sex. All the guys in that experiment picked the girl that was essentially themself, telling everyone around them how GORGEOUS that girl looked, not even realizing that they were only praising their own traits. I'm serious, they did'nt realize it.
And the conduct WAS real. You can look it up on the Internet yourself.

That being said, If i actually was a real girl going through what i just went through, I may have needed more than one shot of a liquor bottle to get over the discomfort. I can tell you that much.

So... Think about it for a moment. Do you see the connection? The girl i created, essentially being me? Me being the best fucking lover i could ever want? Am i losing my sense of interpretation, or am i in love with myself here? If so, where the hell does the feminine characteristics come from? I realize that this entry as a whole is a little too dull for some, but you gotta admit, it raises some interesting questions.

I know what I'm going to write about next, and i pretty much got the whole entry figured out - but i want to keep open for ideas. If you guys want to hear about a specific subject, or have any questions, please write them in my comment and i will take it under consideration.

Get out!

I'm sure there's a couple of guys out there that will nod in silence when they read on. You know when your girlfriend asks you to go with her into a shop that sells womens clothes? I've always felt incredibly inadiquate these stores.

That fear came up in me again today, when a friend and I browsed around SL for a new skin. There were a sign saying "Males staring at girls trying out skins, or hitting on the girls, will be kicked out immediately!". I had already brought my cursor down to the bottom of the screen almost anticipating some raised eyebrows from the female audience around me, when i remembered that my male genetials was'nt present.

I felt for a moment, like I was a little boy again sneaking into my dads toolbox even though i was'nt allowed. Or the time at school when i was only seven years old mistaking the "L" on a bathroom-door for "Lads", instead of Ladies - and a girl 2 classes above me reminded me that I picked the wrong room at the top of her lungs.

But as with my dads toolbox, i started feeling really good all of a sudden. And no, for once, this is not the perverted sort of good feeling that i keep joking about. I remember the joy i felt like it was yesterday, that he actually permitted me to take a look in his toolbox. Not only that, i could borrow his hammer if I wanted to. I was becoming a man.

That's how i feel still, when i walk in and shop, casually talking with the other girls trying on demos. Like I'm exclusively permitted. That I'm actually allowed. Though the sense that i should'nt be there still itches the back of my head.

More of these weird situatins include when girls strike up conversations with me, saying "Hey sweetie". Natural instinct is to react with a smile on my lips, ready to write back some flirty remark - but that would'nt do of course.

The best of the best thing, is that you don't have to have an opinion on anything to get by. "Oh, i don't know" is a legimate answer to literaly everything a guy throws at you. You can just answer it, and they'll maybe nag you ONE more time, if they got the balls. Not like "us" damn girls that keep asking questions, and does'nt stop before they get the answer they want to hear, or realize that the guy just won't bulge.

Of course, that's not always so. Anyways....

I haven't slept all night, right now I'm looking for a live-concert in SL that will do my Avatar good. At this point i don't really care if it's chilling ambient, or skull-grinding death metal or punk - as long as i can find something a bit more inspiring to listen to, than the usual DJs out there. This is proving very hard, very difficult indeed.

Next, i will write about sex.

About the site.

I have not really been posting for a... Uhm... Month. Yes, i know it's been a long time, there's a good reason for that. I've been reviewing my second life, as well as the first, and thought a lot of things through. The first being, that i spent so much time within my second one, that i nearly did'nt have any time for the first one.

So i haven't been online i Second Life for a long time. However, as you can see in my last entry, it's not the only reason. I've been pretty weirded out with the way things went by, so i simply had to pull the plug for a couple of weeks.

However, I'm back now. And I'm going to post on a regular basis, so stay tuned, and thanks for the interest so far.

Another funny fact that I'm going to write about, is that a real life friend of mine got so inspired by my tales that he decided to create a female character of his own! Not only that, Natalia from slnatalia.blogspot.com has also written an entry about her being a guy for a day. So i guess I've been inspiring a lot of people, wich is fine by me. Seriously, try it. But don't get too sucked up in it.

So more posts coming as soon as I've swung back into my second life. As of right now, I've been logged on for nearly 2 hours, and everyones been like "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?", so there's a lot to do. Catch up with you all later.

Romance

Now I'm going to blog about a romantic evening. I said in my first post that blogging in itself might be a challenging experience to me, but it's nothing compared to this. I consider myself a pretty honest guy, and I'm not all that unfamiliar with speaking my mind - but telling a tale of romance, that i was actually part of from a womans point of view, might give myself a lot of... Well... Disturbing feelings. So bare with me.

I was cleaning one of the windows and reading over some of the comments in my blog. I'm really happy for the responses I've got. A lot of people have talked about my blog lately.

Then my boyfriend suddently send me a teleport request without warning. He's a lot about spontanous romance, which is great. I saw the teleport request a little late though, and when i finally arrived he had gone because of a disconnect. I could'nt help but feel a little in awe about the location. There was a piano, a beautiful little pond, and lots of tree's. It was truly romantic, especially with the chirping sounds of the birds, and the sound of running water.

While i waited for him to come back online anticipating his next move, a guy walked up to me in the middle of the woods. He had some pretty cool hair, a nice silver necklace, and had a really buff upper body. While i don't get turned on by any male qualities, he still looked intimidating and interesting. He started a conversation about the place here, and told me how much he liked it. I asked him if he'd ever been to SVARGA, and gave him the landmark. Of course i knew what he was up to. I don't think there's any girls in Second Life that knows more about men than i do.

So he asked me if i wanted to show him the place. He was'nt that bad, and i seriously considered it. But the situation was just a bit awkward, so i had to drop the bomb. "I'm sorry, I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He wanted to show me this place". Then he wrote something back to me that still fascinates me, and makes me wonder. Not that it's all that unusual, almost every guy do it way too much. He wrote "I'm sorry". What's there to be sorry for really?

Anyway, i wrote "Aww, it's okay, I'd like to show it to you sometime though. You have to see it sweetie. This place is nothing compared to SVARGA :)" - i felt like i did'nt want to push him all the way out of the dark. I could sence that being rejected in that way was actually a bit of a putdown on him, wich is typical. I know from my own experience that a lot of guys take a lot of courage to strike up the simplest of conversations. Every time we do it, we run a legimate risk of rejection.

It still baffles me though. Why don't they just look for friendship instead?

Anyway, he said bye a lot of times - i almost felt embarrased standing there saying "see you hun!" like 3 times in a rough. As soon as he had teleported away, my 'date' showed up. He looked the same as always. And now I'm going to let you into a little secret.

I do have feelings for him. Absurd, is'nt it? Yeah, it's damn fucking absurd, and i only just found out today. But i think he's cute (That sentence made me feel so fucking uncormfortable, that i had to roar in real life to balance out the testestorone). He said he had to go back to work pretty soon, but that he wanted to kiss me. Really sweet of him, he does that sometimes, out of the blue. So we found a set of poseballs, and sat on them. The thing about my boyfriend that i find so 'cute' (Yuck, i fucking KNOW), is that he's pretty slow sometimes. :) He can take ages performing the simplest tasks, like clicking the poseball. So i right clicked the red one, and stood there kissing the blue air - while he was fumbling around with his camera controls as usual. :P

He finally got on it though, and then another ladylike thing happened that is related to that 'cute' thing. He was standing a bit absurd, while i did'nt see it at that point. I was hanging with my arms around his neck, with one of my feet lifted from the ground, really elegantly, leaning towards him. He - on the other hand - were standing with his knees bend as though he was sitting in an armchair. His hands was'nt really holding me, they were more like pointing directly forward, bending nowhere near my back. It looked like he was carrying a huge sack of flour, and his posture reminded me so much of a gorilla that i began to laugh in real life.

Then there was this quiet silence, which is also 'cute' (I'm going to kill myself), because of the way i imagine him in real life. I imagined him looking at his screen in patience, and then slowly, in his almost turtle-like way realize that his posture was the stupidest ever. And then he finally wrote "there's a lot of air between us". Like, totally stating the obvious. I nearly died laughing.

So we kissed, and then all of the sudden he stopped the moment in an instance. He said "I just wanted to kiss you, i need to go back to work". With work, he means camping ;) And you know what that idiot wrote afterwards? :P "I took your camping spot!". I'm seriously beginning to understand why women always swatter after me, when i crack a really evil joke, or do something selfish. I actually felt like hitting him in a good way, and give him that famous "look of death" that all women master so well.

So he teleported away, and once again i stood in this beautiful area looking at the moon shining through the treeleafs, thinking about the experience. How weird everything has become, and especially how much I've been able to feel lately.

The thing is, everytime it happens - that i feel something that i call "girlish", like this experience of romance.... I have to review everything. While this experiment is really interesting to me, i don't want it to go out of control. And i still want it to be fun. But there has to be a limit you know?

And i can't help but wonder... How much can i actually experience? I will probably never menstruate (Hopefully... Shit... That's scary), but will i ever feel the need to create drama? Will i start testing the guys that wants to date me? Will i generally become more like i woman? Will the estrogen in my body build up so high, that I can't even swat a spider in my livingroom?

So far I've managed to keep my feet on the ground. At least i think so.

Why, oh why?

So, i had a reader that wanted to meet me in SL. She thought it would be funny to see what a guy would make out of a girlavatar. I bet she's imagining this Pamela Anderson like statue, wearing a seethrough bikini instead of a formal gown. :)

I've been experimenting a lot with my female avatar. Not with seethrough swimsuits, although that topic was pretty interesting in the beginning, but concerning how i was going to relate with people socially. When guys see me coming along in my high heels and chick outfit (I even sport a Gucci bag. Looks great with Sexy Walk animation), they don't even bother asking wether I'm a male or female in real life. They just assume that I'm indeed a female.

In the beginning that was no issue, after all, I just wanted to have fun. So fooling people was my intention. I wanted people to know that i was a woman in real life. So i developed my image and fake personality with that purpose in mind. I ran around corners with a lot of people, some relationships evolved to become more serious than others. I finally came to the point where I'm really good friends with a lot of people in SL, and i even have a virtual boyfriend.

Noone knows that I'm not a girl in real life. So far, I've had three choices in that matter. I could create a fake RL image to go with my fake virtual image. Make up this long story about how i graduated from a girls school, i lived near my parents, and i looked like this and this. I could also come clean of it all, and tell everyone the truth. But that would kind of destroy the experience entirely, would'nt it? If people knew that i was a guy because i told them so in my profile, they would percieve me like a guy, and expect me to behave like a guy. That was not the point of it all, i did'nt want that.

As you can probably guess, relationships evolved and genuine interest in all the people in our social circle stuck it's head out from the bushes. I was in a huge dilemma. Should i make up my own lifestory from scratch, and suffer even more than i did already in terms of my conscience? And do all the work of creating an image, that i could never be true to in real life? Or should i come to terms, and tell them the truth outright?

I could do none of those things, so i chose to get rid of my real life entirely. I ridded myself of all the friends that wanted to know me personally, and stopped talking about myself. If people asked where i lived, i told them that i lived in that and that apartment in SL. If they asked me what i liked i men, i said "Oh, i don't know". If you see a darkhaired girl somewhere that tends to avoid any personal questions, you can therefore assume that it's me (Or any other girl in SL :P It's not fun to talk about personal stuff)

You get the idea don't you? I stopped lying, but i did'nt tell the truth either - and i don't want anyone around me to know the truth. That would destroy the whole experience.

So if you'd like to meet me in SL, then I'd really like to meet you as well. I just can't for the time being.

What happened today? Well, I've been really short on Lindens lately, but i was lucky to find a really great camping spot, so i earned a lot of money pretty fast. Not that I'm going to use it right now, since I've been experimenting a bit with clothes. If you've never tried to make clothing in SL before, like me, you may have wondered why prim bra's are so rare. I wanted a primbra, because i had a hard time fitting tattoos, jewelry, a necklace, and at the same time still wear something on my upper body. Yup, you've guessed it - I'm addicted to that stuff. The problem was though, that when i put jewelry on my stomach, attached a piercing, wore a necklace, and wanted a tattoo on my back, i could'nt cover my parts.

So what did i do? First i created a prim - the kind that looks like half a sphere - made it hollow, and experimented with the shape. I finally got it just right, and tried to fit it - but it was nearly impossible. Attaching it to the Pec did'nt work out right. You could see the breast when my avatar was breathing. I worked fine on the chest though, but i could only attach one item. After er lot of tweaking i got it just right with two small shells covering each breast, but then i got to the string going around the back wich was the real challenge. I tried using cylinders, but i had to give up after a long time. Everytime i clicked to reajust one cylinder, i ran the risk of my avatar moving out of the pose, so i had nothing to model on. It was a pain, but at least the cups looks alright.

Maybe i should just make a texture consisting of a white color with a black text: "SUPERGLUE" written on it, and then hope for people to accept it. Although I'm a guy, and don't know much about bra's (Except how to unhook them), I've got my doubts wether superglue'd pieces could actually support anything. :P

So i gave up, and went back to camping for the moment. I'm at 600L ! Yay, i think I'm going to spend it on a new skin. I'm growing tired of this shiny red lipstick, and the weird eyeshadow. But then again, i might spend it on hair.

As far as these womanly experiences that I'm so unaccostumed to, nothing has really happend today, other than me playing dress-up. By the way, anyone knows some valueable information about making your own prim hair? I need to look that suff up.

I've got some stuff that still needs to be done, and i think I'm going to write about that next. There's a lot about being a woman that i hven't experienced and still want to, number 1, is that real friendship and strong bonds some women have together. You probably remember that kind of couple from high school, the two girls that always clings together and are untieable. I want to try that, and find out why the hell these close friendships are so compelling to women.

Whatever, i guess I'm going to find a really good friend sometime.

Second Life is being updated

So right now Second Life is being updated. I actually had an appointment with a 'friend' in there, but i guess it was a no-go. I could'nt connect. :(

Yesterday i told you i went right into a shopping spree trying to establish myself as a woman in SL. Well... That's not excactly how it went. I remember, when i found out i had no nipples, i wanted to do something about that. I wanted to see what was possible in an 'entirely' professional way. So i went to a stripclub, wich was my very first action as a girl.

I got in there, and looked at all the bodies. And this is where the interesting stuff began. Being inside my female avatar, i did'nt feel the slightest bit excited in real life! I probably would'nt either way, since computergraphics is'nt a turn-on for me, but seriously though. Nothing at all.

I saw skins that was wet, darkish, light, and generally pretty well made. There was definetly nipples, and i loved it. But all of them had this weird rock-like face that i did'nt particularly enjoy, they did'nt smile, and their eyes were barily moving. If i were to take a snapshot at that moment, it would be a pretty decent picture of the half-naked girls, and really realistic.

I saw how they moved when they walked, and the way they danced. And their hair! Wow, there was a lot of things to be done. I was scribbling down all the details on my mental notepad, when i got an IM from a guy standing directly behind me. He asked if i wanted to dance. I said sure, and we went right on it after he had taught me how to use the poseballs.

That was where the first realization came. If i had been a guy avatar, i would feel terrible asking questions, but as a girl it's really no problem. I figured that was a major advantage, since i was a blonde i was pretty much expected to ask questions and not 'get' what was going on. So i deliberetly made myself a couple of IQ's dumber than i am in real life, just to enjoy getting helped with a lot of stuff that i already knew by this guy.

He taught me how the dance-machine worked, what the raffle-ball was all about, and how to reduce lag. I already knew that, but i considered it a part of my 'education'. After we danced for a while, i saw a male dancing alone on another poseball... Naked. Being a fellow with a great understanding of culture (I've seen a lot of movies about the topic) i thought it would be great to dance with him, and see the reaction, so i promptly stood up, walked over, and started rubbing my newbie pixels against the other avatar. Yes, i realize it was a little careless of me. Just walking away from the guy that had taught me so much, and was clearly having a great time talking to me - but after all, it's just a game. Is'nt it? right?

I could'nt help but laugh in real life, while watching the poseballs do their job. The animation did'nt work that great, but I wanted to see what he had to say about some girl getting hot and naughty with him in spite of my amusement. So i finished my cup of coffee while looking at the action. Then all of a sudden, he promptly stood up and walked away leaving me frozen in animation. Bah. Then i realized that i had gotten an IM from the guy i danced with a while back, and here's what he wrote: "What are you doing?!?!?", "Hello???", "I see why you'd rather dance with him!". I nearly wetted my pants, and was about to tell him what a fucking wuss he was - but then i realized that i was a girl. What would a girl do in this situation?

So i thought carefully about it, and wrote: "Awwww sweetie. I'm sorry, i had no idea you took it so seriously. Are you alright?". I regret ever saying that. He answered after a couple of minutes "It's okay, i guess that's just how it's meant to be". Then we made up, and i added him to my friends list. He's been bugging me ever since, and so has many other guys.

But that short sequence made me think. I've been rude to girls a lot of times, but none of them had reacted in any way like this wuss. What a loser. I mean, it's not even real life! I wondered if there's a lot of guys like him out there, and it pretty much turned out there is. I have no idea how you girls in real life handle guys like this - it's so confusing to me. I had to feel sorry for them, while i did'nt really care. I almost WANT to hurt them in some way, just to make them understand how foolish they really are. And almost all of them clings. Seriously, everytime i log on this guy tries to IM me and ask where i am, and what I'm doing. If i don't answer, he'll be all like "Are you okay honey?", and act like we're in a relationship or something like that. He's seriously creeping me out!

Of course, i had to tell my real life girlfriend about it. I knew she would have a great solution for it, and tell me how to deal with these underdeveloped males, and just make them go away so i don't have to carry around all their problems. Right? I mean, she should have some kind of problem-solver up her sleeve? Nope. When i told her, she nearly died from laughter and enjoyment. "Welcome to a girls life!" she said. Looks like girls have to deal with these guys on a regular basis. Yikes. Looking back, i realize that a lot of the guys were great friends you know. They helped me a lot, but i wish it could have stayed that way. Just friends. But none of them gets it. They were really creeping me out with what they said, and it has become harder and harder to be nice to them. So now i just ignore them every time i get this vibe. I know, i feel a little bad about doing so - but what is a girl to do?

The strip-club had a huge variety of freebies, and i gathered it all and tried it on. They made me look like a whore. I had to find some better clothes. And that's where the shopping spree began, and that's where i stumbled across slnatalia.blogspot.com - I've been a regular reader since.

I just realized that i promised a reader to elaborate on why I'll be anonomyous, but i forgot everything about it. It'll come up in my next post, promise. :)

I'll probably write tomorrow i think. I have to go to work in 2 hours, so.